Day 9,148

I got myself in a hole and nobody got me out ever since. I have burrowed myself in this hole deeper as I got older. I some times got my self out but I never left. This was my safe place, a place where it was dark enough for me to see my light. I was always alone even when there were people who took refuge in this ditch. They left when they felt better and I never went with them. Nobody has ever offered their hand for me to take, to take me with them. I realized this was my place, in this lonely, cold and damp hollow, I got my heart here. I have always wished for something better, somewhere warm and inclusive. I guess not all wishes come true but I got myself, it's fine.

I am peaceful here but there are days I take myself away. Those days I am in the sun creating the most tragic love stories to take with me. When it's done, I come home and relive every single moment and I am content with every soul breaking heart ache. I needed to feel alive and this was my favorite past time. Tying strings of myself to every lover I find. This was their story for my consumption.

So Chapter 1.

August

Kind eyes, sweet smile, chubby cheeks, low voice, my first love.

He was always sitting next to me. Always asking if I have an extra pen, an extra sheet of paper but never an extra piece of my heart. Although, I might have given it to him along with the pens he borrowed. I got my eyes on him but I know who he is looking at, her.

Aella

I remember being 6 years old running around my aunts house not looking for anyone and there is this curly haired girl as little as me, eyeing me.

"Do you want me?" I say in my head.

She did.

Moments later my mom asked me if I wanted to play with Aella.

"She said she wanted you come with her." To where, mom? My mind was far off from earth. All I wanted was to be alone.

But she came from behind me, took my hand and asked me to play with her. We talked about everything and nothing, right then and there she became my first love. That summer we did everything together, we learned a lot about each other and I had my whole world wrapped around this little girl. Every stupid things we did was everything I longed for until forever, then it wasn't anymore.

August and Aella

It was Highschool, everything and everyone was mean and obscure. I was bullied a lot in school for being ugly. Highschool was all about the rich, pretty, athletic and the smart kids but the ugly ones like me are always on the moat. I thought I was beautiful and nobody saw that but myself. I was amazing in my own eyes and since I got no one to see myself with me I stayed in my cave, where I was everything I needed and nothing else mattered but me. Until August.

He was different from everyone else, he was kind to me. Or was that all in my head?

"What is your favorite color?"

"What book do you like reading at the library?"

"Do you have someone going with you to the cafeteria?"

"I'll buy this for you."

"Is Aella your bestfriend?"

It was all in my head. He was only kind to me because she liked my bestfriend. For a moment there, he could possibly be in love with her because I am too.

She was a flaming ball of fire. She became prettier growing up. I did too but according to everyone else, I was a peanut. Curly auburn hair, almond eyes and crooked teeth. She was breathtaking and it was painful to watch how she was everything to August and I was the friend who told him all about her.

Did he fell in love with her because of me?

Was it because I always talked about her?

She's got everything I want... at the moment.. I'll get over it.

I thought about them the whole time I was in class. I was always with August so why did he fell for someone who he doesn't always see? Do I need to be far away from him so he'd like me? too?

This internal monologue was eating me away. It found an edge of my heart and started gnawing bigger and bigger until I couldn't take it anymore. EVERYDAY was dreadful because she's all we ever talk about. I wanted to talk about me and about him. But what shampoo is she using? How do I know? I don't live with her.

I was still in freshman year but I wanted Highschool to be over in 5 minutes. I was stuck in this triangle, where there's me and Aella, Aella and August and August and me.

Aella started becoming distant but I always stayed around. Even when she started pushing me away, I stayed around. I got over August in a year, I had to or else I'd kill myself. The next year he transferred to a far away city, which is approximately 162.5 miles away from our small town. I didn't miss him but from time to time I think about him. Our 'What could have been' story which played over and over in my mind kept breaking my heart.

How could you move on from someone you never had?

There is that 'What if' lingering, giving me a look of disgust.

Yeah, I mean what if I told him how felt?

What if I showed to him myself more?

What if I just asked him to be with me instead?

What if I just tied him up and hid him in my room?

My psychotic tendencies are getting aggressive and this is all wrong. I am over him so I should stop thinking about him.

Fast forward to 2016, the year when the song Roses by The Chainsmokers ft. Rozes was a hit. We were always missing classes, going to bars, pulling boys and hanging around beaches. And Lana del Rey was our favorite person of all time.

Although, Aella betrayed me a lot of times, I still chose to stay with her. She would have been my ride or die if it wasn't for James. But that's a story for another time.

I lost her and I never got her back, that was 13 years down the drain because of a man I don't want to remember.

Rose

His name was Rose. It's a woman's name but guess what, that's one of the things I like about him.

I met him when I was 12 years old. He was this creepy guy always following me around. He has long hair and veiny hands. Always staring at me, I almost thought he could see right through me. I wish he did.

"It's nice to see you without her." Rose said as he sat beside me at the park bench.

I was reading my book and too focused to care if he came around. I didn't like him but at some point I knew he liked me. It's been weird feeling ever since he started following me and telling people not mess with me. People can do what they want with me as long as I allow it. He's got no right and yet he's here and boring me.

548 ♥